I know I haven’t been on here in awhile but it feels like I have so much to say and no one to say it to…
All my girls keep saying to just move on and I’m really trying to, but I think I loved him a little more than I even understand. It really sucks to just become a stranger to someone you once made your world, I know I’m young and I may find someone again but right now it hurts. Im embracing the suck. & the crazy part of it all is that if I was given a chance to do it all again, I would. Ive never felt so much love, or had someone I felt so comfortable with till I met Chris…and there’s no words to express how bad I’m hurting. If I knew that was the last time I was going to see him, I would’ve held him a little tighter, kissed him a little longer,… and just told him exactly how I felt. I feel like trash like something he dumped on the side of the road when he was done with it. After everything we’ve been through I was willing to fight to give that man the world. The first man I could ever picture my future with marriage, kids, both of us in uniform… we used to talk about it all the time and now we can’t even say two words to each other. I still can’t bring myself to clear the messages in my phone or delete the pictures/videos although I’m sure he has already…
So many memories I can’t erase followed by sleepless nights, but the one that keeps rerunning in my mind is that day I was sick and he took care of me…told me he wished he could take the pain away as he held me till I fell asleep. Im really at war with myself right now, I want to be happy for him and wish him the best but I can’t. What did I do to deserve this? Ive tried to do right by everyone and just ended up getting fucked over in the end. Im so tired of being me.
DEFINITION OF A NAVY SAILOR:
Between the security of childhood and the insecurity of second childhood, we find a fascinating mass of humanity called Sailors. They can be found anywhere: on ships, in bars, on leave, or in love and always in debt. Girls love them, civilians tolerate them and the government supports them, or so they claim.
A Sailor is laziness with a deck of cards, bravery with a tattooed arm, and the energy of a turtle, the slyness of a fox, the brain of a genius, the sincerity of a liar, and the aspiration of a Casanova. When he wants something, it is usually indecent and immoral, or against Navy regulations. His favorite pastimes are girls, females, broads, dames and members of the opposite sex. He dislikes Navy chow, answering letters, wearing his uniform, superior officers, and getting up in the morning. No other human being can cram into his shirt pocket; a comb, a little black book, a pack of gum, duty keys, a pack of cigarettes, his girl’s picture and what’s left of last month’s pay.
He likes to spend some of his money on girls, some on poker, most of it on booze, and what’s left…on foolishness. A sailor is a magical creature. You can lock him out of your house, but not out of your heart. You can scratch him off your mailing list, but not out of your mind. So you might as well give up.
He is your far-away-from-home lover, your one-and-only, good-for-nothing, liberty-minded, bundle of wrongdoing. But your shattered dreams become insignificant when that Sailor comes home and looks at you with those big, blood-shot eyes and says: “HI SWEETHEART!”"